Intimacy

Since sharing what happened to me on my last post I’ve been thinking about how to follow up from there. I’ve thought about the topic of intimacy before but never written it down so going to have a go now. 

For the longest time, intimacy to me was just related to sex and I hated it. I never let myself feel close to anyone and I found any intimate interaction just awkward and therefore avoided at all costs. I now put this largely down to experiencing loss so young and a LOT of internalised ableism/low self esteem. 

I read an article once though, where a girl talked about medical trauma impacting her ability to allow herself to be completely comfortable with people, and, you guessed it, feel intimacy. I personally hadn’t ever used the term trauma for the situation I’m going to explain but I can’t think of any others to use right now, ha!

I was 12 years old when I had my first spinal surgery. I was transferred to a different hospital prior to it and had to undergo months of assessing and review to understand me and the surgery they would complete. Pre op I had a 97 degree angle curve at the top of my spine along with a lumbar curve. I was an emergency case to have the surgery and one of the more severe cases on the wait list. 

I remember the testing like it was yesterday. I had X-rays and scans which were normal but due to the curvature of my spine I was asked to consent to being a case study and for photos to be taken and used for training. 

I was 11. My Dad had died within a matter of months, my Mum was trying to keep it together, she cried in the doctors office – she never cried. We thought yes we want to help. Sure thing. 

Without any notice before I was at my appointment, I was called to a large room. There wasn’t even a seat in the changing rooms for me to undress so I remember my mum helping me. I had my period at the time, I remember the pad was sticking over my underwear a little and I was embarrassed. I walked out from the changing room in only my pants, my mum helping me balance as I had my splints but no shoes on. For the next few minutes, I don’t remember how long exactly, I had to pose in different positions while the camera flashed capturing what would in future be used as an annotation of a problem to be solved, a slab of meat to be sliced up and rejigged. To show how far my spine twisted out backwards I had to bend over from behind and have my photo taken. At 11 years old, no warning to bring shorts, no towel to cover up, no time to change my pad. A kid, bent over in front of a camera, capturing how unaligned she was. 

Please don’t get me wrong, this was not seedy, I wasn’t in danger and my Mum was with me. This though, obviously, was the first time anyone ever saw me in my underwear, this undressed. So cold and so so clinical. 

This I guess is what you could call the beginning. I was poked and prodded and naked and sliced and suppositoried and catheterised and bed bathed and rolled over and man handled and checked on. You get the idea. This surgery saved my life and if I had to do it all again I would undoubtedly. But this has had a profound effect on how I see my body, how I let others see my body and it went undetected in me for years. 

Tell me how you experience this then if you have sex with someone and they treat your body with kindness and like a human – that when you’re younger it wouldn’t make you run a mile. 

I felt so seen when I read the article and I have searched high and low for it again with no luck, if I do find it i will be sure to share it with you. I’ve wanted to talk about this for a while because it is important and it’s not talked about enough. 

I still struggle with intimate situations but opening my definition of the word has definitely helped. I’ve had such indescribable moments with friends and family while grieving, having fun, during acts of care that allowed me to break through the more difficult experiences. 

If you have any useful tips or feel comfortable to share a similar experience then please reach out. If not, and if this brings to light some feelings for you, they are completely valid and please talk to someone if you need to. 

I love you all. Thank you for being here.