LOCKDOWN

Despite being in lockdown like most of the rest of the world, this Covid-19 quarantine, social distance, stay home, whatever you want to call it has sent me on quite a few journeys since it kicked off.

I’m writing this to try to help save my sanity as last night I was even dreaming about it. I’m not sure if I’ll even post it, it depends if it turns into a massive rant or not, but also creating this post to acknowledge how I feel because it is valid.

For the longest time of my life, I had no idea what ableism was or how it played a role in everyday life. Since starting a blog, I’ve learned a lot about myself and also the disabled community. Ableism is discrimination in favour of able bodied people. Ableism exists everywhere; physically, emotionally, verbally. From accessibility, not wanting to date someone with a disability, becoming inpatient when walking behind someone with walking difficulty, questioning someone’s disability as an excuse, speaking to the person pushing a wheelchair rather than the person in it, patronising demeanor towards disabled people…the list goes on and you can find it almost anywhere. 

Before I started the blog, I had heard of disability discrimination in the work place but not really much else within other aspects of society. As a disabled person, unaware of this ‘ableism’ existence, there wasn’t really anywhere else to route the problem to other than myself. For a very generic example, if I went somewhere and couldn’t access a building, say due to there not being a handrail; rather than questioning why there wasn’t a rail, I would deem it my fault I couldn’t go up the steps because I’m the broken one. 

Not question that this is set up in favour of able bodied people.

I still internally project ableism in my life too. I regularly think I’m less worthy than able-bodied people, I battle with feeling undeserving of love and a future family because I am disabled. Jesus, when I make new friends I usually end up thanking them for being friends with me – because who’d want to be friends with a disabled person right?

The reason I started on this note is for a few reasons: 1. Because I don’t think it’s recognised enough within everyday life how prevalent ableism is and it therefore drastically falls into ignorance being bliss (for some). And 2. Because I feel like there’s an awful lot of it in the air with Coronavirus and tbh I think it’s bullshit.

As a disabled person, during a worldwide pandemic, to continuously have the narrative fed to the population that this virus is only a threat to the elderly and the vulnerable/sick is pretty heartbreaking. 

ONLY. 

The word only, or however the above sentence is phrased, perpetuates the ideology that able/fit/healthy lives are more valuable than those who are sick/disabled/ or have “underlying conditions”. If you remove labels and societal infrastructure the facts would be that this is a worldwide rapidly spreading virus which is taking the lives of millions of humans. 

Why does there need to be a subcategory of humans who almost then become dispensable, and provide a justification for a lot of people not to care. A life is a life. Regardless of how long they’ve been around for or their medical background.

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While the severity of Covid-19 is broadly speculated; through the media, personal opinion, legitimacy of statistics recorded and so on, the nature of a virus is just as unpredictable as the lottery numbers. There are a number of ways the human body reacts to fight a virus. I’m not going to preach about them all because you can just google and I’d guess you’re not here for that.

One way your body fights viruses though is to produce white blood cells to fight off the foreign bodies. That is one I do have experience in. If we take a trip down memory lane, cast our sights back to ‘94 when lil’ Lauzy got ill. A virus. Out the blue. No prior indication and could have happened to anyone. My body began to fight off the virus, age 2, and produced too many white blood cells. Here we are 26 years into the journey of CIDP. The reaction my body had to a virus left me incredibly ill as a child, and paved an extremely uphill battle throughout my life.

By no means am I saying I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone or that I have the worst life from hell because I really don’t. In my current life position though I am finding it hard to comprehend ignorance within society and communities when it comes to social distancing, staying home and flattening the curve.

In my short yet long lifetime, I’ve had to make many sacrifices for my health, I’ve had multiple surgeries – two of which were life saving, I’ve needed emergency, in and out patient hospital care, community nursing for follow up. I have self educated when I missed school while recovering so I didn’t fall behind. I have been disabled for all bar 2 years of my life because of a virus and with that alone have faced a lot of prejudice.

Again, this is no list of woes while I play a small violin, this is very plainly what happened to me as a result of a virus. It’s been a fucking hard and painful ride. So quite frankly it’s difficult for me to see selfish actions as anything less than disrespectful. Disrespectful to what I have fought for and disrespectful for what others are fighting for now.

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With Covid case counts increasing by the day, there also is no shortage of lives it’s claiming. Having experienced quite a lot of loss throughout life I can’t help but feel this is a constant reminder of those I’ll not get back into my life after lockdown. I see social media flooded with posts and pictures about anticipated reunitings with dear family and friends. While it makes me sad and at times, truthfully, a bit resentful, it also strikes me as a reiteration of the importance of the guidelines in place for social distancing and protecting others – so you don’t end up in the same situation as me. So your loved ones are there on the other side of lockdown.

A lifelong condition and disability as well as grief and pain are much more to ‘be fine’ with than a fever and a dry cough. 

I fully advocate and think it’s imperative to take care of yourself during lockdown, be kind to yourself and stay connected. 

Stay connected with your friends and family, through technology or old school pen palling. By whatever means available. But what if we opened to the idea of connecting a little further outside our own circles? Connect our actions for the greater good.

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Adding to this a few weeks after I initially wrote this post and more pressingly as we approach the review of lifting restrictions. 

I am super excited for restrictions and lockdown to lift but I feel it’s important to take into consideration the above points as this journey continues. Being mindful of the fact the media are still pumping out ableist headlines which continue to undermine human lives.

Consider that as people can move around more freely that this will further isolate the ‘at risk’ and mean for them that seeing their friends and families is pushed further from reach. That people’s lives are still at risk, underlying conditions or not. Others are still working endlessly to take care of our friends and family who are having babies, receiving cancer treatment, keeping us safe. 

I guess the round up here for me is a glimmer of hope.

Hope that coming out the other side of these un-bloody-presidented times, there is a deeper connection within humanity. Obviously it would be naive to think the whole world is going to live in peace and harmony happily ever after, especially with some of the hideous government parties in place. Being able to cherish the time we have with others and look up a little more from our phones. Where possible, keep our heads out of the capitalist sand for as long as possible, activate on things we are passionate about, be brave and stand up for others – just like we have done by staying inside. As we begin to see more than the same walls in our homes, look a little harder at life, see what you can see beyond labels and headlines on social media. Looking out for each other, not because we have to but because we want to.