Bittersweet Blue Badge BBZ

Hello, hi, good evening – hope everyone has had a class weekend. Today I had a much needed chill day and just picked up my spending splurge items and had a Greg’s vegan sausage roll for tea – happy as larry.

This week I was reunited with an ol’ buddy ol’ pal in the form of a blue badge!

I’ve not had a badge for a few years for a couple of reasons – including but not exclusive to – losing one/getting it stolen, re-application and questionable qualifying criteria.

My first re-application on my own – i.e. without help from my mum was horrif, I convinced myself my life would end without having a badge and long story short – I survived.

To keep this post short and sweet, I’m going to move onto the topic point. To do so, let’s go a trip down memory lane. I’ve had a badge for as long as I can remember, even right back to the days when it was orange. As a kid it was obv just in my family car then when I learned to drive I had a group of friends who had known me the majority of my life so I just switched to using it in my car and reaped some of the few benefits like not having to queue at theme parks. 👍🙄

When I went to uni though, it was a bit of a different story. I moved into halls and had a few really good mates on my floor and they knew about my condition and saw me living, e.g. getting in and out of the shower, making food, and I also had a personal assistant that after a while they knew wasn’t just a really good mate that came and did all my washing etc. Aside from this, and to everyone else, my guard was up. I wore knee high Uggs or boots and did everything I could to just be the girl that falls over a lot – mostly when drunk. I would even sleep with my shoes on unless I was in my own room on my own. I’m laughing as I type this but it makes me sad to think about. On campus, first years weren’t allowed their cars there unless you had a blue badge, which I did! This was my biggest secret! Literally less than a handful of people knew I had my car at uni because I couldn’t face the thought of them asking how and me having to say because I have a blue badge. After my lectures I would wait until everyone that knew me left before I got back in my car and if there was a non disabled space I would use it instead. It was labelling and putting me in a box that I genuinely thought would make or break people liking me. 

There’s so much I could say about the journey I’ve been on to move away from this – and the incredible people I’ve met along the way. I might pull a post about this together but I want to round up for tonight. 

I spent SO much of my life in a strange space – living in a horrible alter ego mindset fully convinced and focused on ‘if I didn’t have splints’, ‘if I didn’t have a disability’ ‘if I didn’t walk like a duck’ I would be happier, prettier, a better person, a better friend, I would have a husband and a baby already, wouldn’t be such a burden, be more fun to hang out with…the list goes on.

This was and is so toxic, and heartbreaking for me to remember. 

I still struggle with a few of those topics, mostly when it comes to feeling like a burden but that’s something that’s a constant work on for me. If you are, or have been in a space like that, try to give yourself a break, keep working on yourself and try to surround yourself with good people. Let yourself grow and don’t base accepting yourself on how you think others will accept you. I really don’t know how exactly I managed to move away from that, I definitely didn’t do it alone, and I think age and life experiences have played a huge part. 

I struggle with being judged with a badge and without one, right now though I’m so happy I can park outside my work haha! Simple things eh. Obviously there are things I don’t love about myself and it’s easy to sometimes wonder ‘what if’, but I am so grateful I have learned my worth is way more than a word, an opinion, a piece of card or a label.

I wear splints and I’m a badass bishhhhhh! ✌️